Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
