I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Randomize
