bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
