I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
