just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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