What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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