i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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