Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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