Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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