Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
