Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
