Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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