mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
