Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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