My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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