i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
