My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
