the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
