Already got asked if we're dating
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
