I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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