I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
