More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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