the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
