Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
