It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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