I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
