just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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