how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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