Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
