i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
