Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
