remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
