I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
