i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
