i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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