good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
