Umm I'm too high to move.
he thought i was a dude.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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