I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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