I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
