i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
