I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
