once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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