I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
