All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
