I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
