I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
well you can't waste a boner
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
