i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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