the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
