Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
