forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
