There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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