Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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