I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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