Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
