my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm having to shit out rocks
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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