So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
