dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
