shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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