help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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